Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
