found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
