You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
