I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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