i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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