I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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