I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
