he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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