Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
