My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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