cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
