I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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