If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Found your dick twin last night
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
