please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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