My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
