Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
