even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just want nice things and good sex
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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