You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I checked into jail on foursquare
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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