I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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