he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
