she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
