Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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