She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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