Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
