Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
