Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
