I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
