I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
