he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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