her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize