god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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