just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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