Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
