Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
