so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
