So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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