I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
