I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
