It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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