I wish they made helmets for livers.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
MIDGETS
????
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
