you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize