My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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