he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
