I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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