Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
