That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
