rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
