I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
