I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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