Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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