Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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