One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
