I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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