did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
