He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
