I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Rumble strips road head = magical
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
