we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
