Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
