It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
