How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize