take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
