I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Come share oat with me in your robe
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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