I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
How drunk are you?
Completed.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
