At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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