the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
