when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
